The Beretta Report 2007
1.Sum up the year in one word : Shattered
2. What did you do in 2007 that you'd never done before:
Finally fell apart. Split to pieces.
I had been rumbling splitting and saving and being saved and this year...
it finally all rushed forward and I at long last ...after all these years I
"LET GO"
I lost everything this year-- I won't go in to the exact inventory for you. I took it for myself
and I don"t need to share it with the world.
I let go of my show, I let go of Bella Beretta, I let go of my need to compete.
However, to do that I had to let go of the love of my life-- Los Angeles.
She is still there, I can go back anytime, however for now Portland is my thing, it's my home.
I find it easier to be who I want to be here.
I haven't forgot anything that happened or anything and anyone that was left behind.
However, the last year has been the same mis-steps, schemes and scams played over and over deeper and deeper til finally there was nothing left.
My hustle ran out and I am so totally o.k. with that..
I lost my hustle- but I got back my skill.
I am tired of pretending, so I have started the great quest of knowing who I am.
3.Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
My resolution was to get healthy...Considering I spent more time in the hospital ( Sick Hospital and Crazy Hospital) than any other year of my life...well then I guess I didn't do so well.
I drank to much , stayed out too often and up to late and during most of it, with not the best company. It was a year of a lot of midnight hoopla and sad mornings.
The quote "Heavy hangs the head that last night wore the crown" rings very true this year.
4. Did anyone close to you give birth?
There were lots of pretty babies...Nicolette"s beautiful boy Declan is the one of MOST note..This year, I look forward to all the new faces I get to meet...
5.) Any New Countries?:
No, France plans were a bit lofty.. This fall,without fail!!! 2 weeks in October- Marie Antoinette"s execution day - her birthday, it's everything I have ever wanted.**If Halloween Plans are too good ( and by too good I mean too "$$good$$") then I will go from her birthday to mid Nov.
6.) What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?
Money.
A Fantastic Job....Something that needs and deserves me and PAYS ME WELL!
A Smart and Sexy Companion I can see a future with.
Unfailing Courage.
The Ability to say "Enough's enough"
Less Anger.
More Honesty
7. What event from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
My late night early AM bike rides from Bedlam and The Tunnel...Pool Parties @ The Flat.
My best memories were from the back of my bike...that was the best thing I did for myself those
The opening night of both Galleries...
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
The only thing that I am truly proud of was the gallery...
even if it wasn't mine and I bungled the administrative aspects, I learned so very much, and I won't make those mistakes again.
I know what I want because of those experiments, I now know how very important art is to me.
9. What was your biggest failure?
Oh god where to start...
Midsummer?
The Drive In?
The Tease?
The Lost Weekend Bukowski?
I did not respect my limits or limitations and I did NOT listen to my gut--
I kept pushing myself when I should have just STOPPED and disappeared for awhile.
However, I simply do not listen.
and I wound up screwing myself and a lot of other people over.
Anything having to do with "The Tour Group", I know I had my hand in the mess but
I should have trusted that "get out now" feeling and listened to the warnings
a lot earlier...my loneliness and wanting to "belong" put me in a very bad spot with them.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I wasn't well one day this year...I am getting better every day..and it feels good!
11. What was the best thing you bought?
A ticket to Portland, hair bleach, Amy Winehouse, Oversized Round Balloons, Betsey Johnson Handbags.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Anyone who is still speaking to me..
I have to say my fellow teasers were my salvation, Flair for her well, her Flair ( and her dog , he's awesome too),Natalia for always taking care of business and her lovely smile- and THE redhead for being Fucking Amazing and the best breakfast friend a girl could have. Oh and Miss La Cholita ,it was nice to know that SOMEONE still gave me the credit they felt I deserved. Eliza for taking care of me and loving me- when I didn't love me at all.
On a very personal note...my much adored Anthony. My last 2 weeks in L.A> were perfect because of your shameless everything. I do miss you, but life- goes on.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Last years nominees stayed off my list until in my nosiness ( and I cop to that)
I saw the most childish exchange of "Let's make fun of Nico" B.S.
I cut all ties. I do not under any circumstances trust anyone
from that crew with any part of my life.
I can understand anger, even resentment but meanness is just someone feeling insecure and
like they need to take swipes...
If someones life is really as fab as they say it is..well then that just shouldn't be a factor..
which makes you really think- How fab is their life? Persistent rumor is-- not as fab as they say...
I, over the last years have invited some real pieces of work of the feminine persuasion in my life.
I have some shining examples of goodness that I do care deeply foreven if I am not speaking to some of them -I do, still care. However, for this year ( And the rest of my life)I hope I never deal with as many
bitchy,false, mean and just plain two faced dames as I dealt with in L.A...no more.never again.
14. Where did most of your money go?
There were NO free rides this year....
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Everything for about 5 minutes.
Then I got scared or bored.
I got excited about what I could do...but I couldn't sustain it.
This year SUSTAINABILITY!
16. What song will always remind you of 2007?
Say It Right: Nelly Furtado
You're All I Have: Snow Patrol
My Moon My Man: Feist
Starlight: Muse
Rehab: Amy Winehouse
Back To Black: Amy Winehouse
17. Compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder?
Happier...MUCH MUCH HAPPIER!
Sad I'm not in L.A. for NYE Hoopla, but I am HAPPY.
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Gone home when the bar closed....
Paid my rent on time.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Going out after the bars closed...
Lying to myself and others about everything.
20. Did you fall in love in 2007?
Terribly and it is documented in the months of Feb and March on this ol blog.
I met him the night that the Dahlia show opened and I kissed him in the gallery under Emmeric's
paper doll.
I was SO entirely in love and he was a mess.
But he was my mess.
He broke the little bit that was left.
The amazing thing was it was the beginning of the end-
and now in retrospect, that is a good thing.
21. How many one-night stands?
Same as last year.None of your beeswax.
However it is More none of your beeswax than it was last year...heh.
22. What was your favorite TV program?
The Office, My Name is Earl, Re-Runs of America's Next Top Model ( never watched it before!)
Sex and The City...I mean if it is on, I'll watch it...seriously.
I haven't had cable in SO long....
23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Not really- being out of L.A. sort of steals my Hater Juice.
I'd still really like to slap a few people..
24. What was the best book you read?
Marie Antoinette : The Journey.
Queen of Fashion: What Marie Antoinette wore to the Revolution.
All I have been doing is reading since I got to portland.
25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Amy Winehouse and Feist.
26. What did you want and get?
Freedom, sanity and now, hope.
27. What was your favorite film of this year?
Sicko
28. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Saw Lisa Gerrard @ The Orpheum with my mom, it was perfect.
Then the next night I saw Arcade Fire, it was life altering.
29. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Not failing as much as I did...and not having it be so public, however I think being as publicly humiliated made me finally let go- so, in the end everything is worth it.
30. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006?
It was all about the Hair this year....Big earrings, long skirts, pretty coats, big flowers
and the best hairdo's I've ever had.
31. What kept you sane?
Nothing.
32. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Not many...it was a pretty embarrassing year to be human
33. What political issue stirred you the most?
It was hard to live in L.A. and not be moved by the immigration debate.
Every issue has been stirring me....It's hard to ignore anything anymore.
34. Who did you miss?
Me...rumor is I will get to see her more in 2008.
35. Who was the best new person you meet?
The Lovely Erin.. my beautiful sister in Dahlia-dom.
36. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006:
Just fucking STOP, you won't die if people aren't looking at you.
You don"t have to be a constant achievement machine to be valid.
I tried that-- and I made myself very sick, very sad and very, very broke.
Most importantly--
Who you have been isn't necessarily who you WILL be, or who you HAVE to be, I learned that from Laura Herbert...
In summation...I feel a little numb about everything- not in a bad way,perhaps in a more observant way than I have ever have been.
I have distance. I'm not any less of a hater, but the truth is, very little has the capacity to get to me.
I lost everything at my onw hand, so my feelings of anger, jealousy and resentment have a hard time standing up to the feelings I have for me.
I have set myself free from the guilt- I simply don't care what happened, in the words of Andy Warhol "So What?" I have things I need to set right and pay back - but that is math- I am not allowing myself to have feelings about math, it's waste of everyones time.
I have so many good things that I am making for 2008.
However I will not blare my horn til they are actuals.
I sort of learned last year.
I really learned it this year..
It is one thing to manifest, but it is another thing to count anything before it's hatched.
I am safe, I am sitting in my mom's basement finishing A HUGE job application, soon I will dunk in a tub and get pretty for NYE..I am looking forward to everything....everything.
As a saner, happier, smarter, more vivid version of me.
To all my good friends I love you so very much.
to all my friends that I don't know hi, pleased to meet you all over again.
To my adversaries-- I hope you get everything you deserve this year.
More than anything I just want - for me and everyone else to finally be happy with what we have.
